“I hate summer and the vast freedom and warm weather that accompany it,” says nobody. Face it, summer’s great. There are, however, some awkward situations that are pretty much summer-specific, and at least 60% of them are 100% guaranteed to happen to you.
The situation: Cutting your hair too short. Everyone wants to break out the cute summer haircut when June rolls around, but for every cut that comes off adorable, there’s another that just goes awry. Before you know it, you’ll be cloistered in a hoodie and lurking in shadows, Googling “how fast does hair grow” and demanding of your closest friends and family, “WHY DIDN’T YOU PEOPLE STOP ME?”
The solution: A cute sun hat, which will hide the damage, or Luna Lovegood’s Gryffindor lion hat, which will distract everyone from pretty much everything about you, particularly when it roars and people run screaming from the beach.
The situation: Getting hit in the face with a Frisbee. This is the time of year that every halfway competent Frisbee-thrower feels the need to fling a disc around in public spaces, mowing down hapless passersby by frolfing willfully and maliciously. Before long, one of these will find your kneecap, or your elbow, or (as is most likely) your face. While you probably won’t sustain a mortal wound, you’ll almost certainly embarrass yourself by shrieking and flailing like you were expecting a guided missile.
The solution: Train relentlessly to become the greatest Frisbee catcher the world has ever seen. Do not stop until you can throw your arm out and catch one without even looking. Maybe even in your mouth. Maybe train with a dog.
The situation: Bathing suit mishaps. This category spans everything from swimming trunks to bikini tops, all doing awful and mortifying things. When you factor in the waves and the waterskiing and the jumping off diving boards, your swimsuit is basically in a state of constant peril, and a mishap is not a question of if but when.
The solution: Well, the way I see it, there are two options. The first is to duck underwater and lay low until your friend can rescue your suit from the tide. The second is to duck underwater and stay there forever. Eventually you’ll become a sea monster. (Every villain origin story has to start somewhere. Where do you think the Kraken came from?)
The situation: Freakishly weird sunburns. Let’s all just accept this right now as something that’s going to happen to us. Sometimes you’ll have spaghetti strap tan lines or a farmer’s tan, and then other times you’ll fall asleep in the sun with your book/iPod/cat on your stomach and find that the tan you’ve been carefully cultivating has been ruined by book/iPod/cat shapes.
The solution: Throw some Aloe Vera on to ease the pain, and also wear a lot of temporary tattoos to cover up your misfortune. Remember, a weird tan is something that happens to you, but an overabundance of temporary tattoos is something you choose.
The situation: Embarrassing songs on your iPod when you’re cruising with the windows down. Let me paint you a little picture: you’re blasting tunes and riding along, and you pull up at a stoplight next to a carful of attractive your-age boys. You’re all making some really promising eye contact and exchanging head nods… when suddenly the song changes and the Backstreet Boys’ “I Want it That Way” comes up on shuffle on full volume. WHAT TO DO?
The solution: OWN IT. That’s a fantastic song and you should be ashamed of your shame.